Times
by Sebe
Summary: Post Season 5 Finale. Hurt!Sam. Sam can't let Dean sacrifice himself for Sam anymore. He makes a choice for Dean that the older one never even considered.


Author's Notes: Post Season 5 finale. Dean found Sam after he crawled out of Hell by prying the information out of Castiel. Having left Lisa long before he'd even known about Sam, Dean is pretty happy with their lives of hunting like old times, but Sam's always known his brother deserves better than having to take care of him and fight to protect a world that will never even know what he's done.

Summary: Sam can't let Dean sacrifice himself for Sam anymore. He makes a choice for his brother that had never even been on the table for the other.

**Times**

"You have to stop, Dean. You have to go back."

Sam is slumped down on the bed where Dean had dropped him, wearily staring at the floor, head in his hands. Dean rushes around the hotel room, gathering what he needs to tend to his injured idiot of a little brother.

"Right. Sure, whatever you say. Just stay still." He says in his dismissive big-brother-knows-best way.

"I'm serious." Sam still doesn't look up, his vision graying out a bit. "You're going to get yourself killed-"

That gets Dean's attention. He scoffs at Sam and gently pushes on his brother's shoulder to get him to lie back so he can see to his injuries.

Sam stands abruptly and violently.

"Don't you get it?" Sam's screaming, Dean can see tears gathering in Sam's unfocused eyes, hear it in his voice. This is the most …yeah, desperate's the right word- he's seen his brother in a long time. Sam's shaking, not all from bloodloss. "You could have gotten hit by that thing-"

"But I didn't!" Dean's pissed now. "I was fine because you- _you_ pushed me out of the way! That's not how it goes Sam! I'm older, I'm your brother, _I_ protect _you_! Especially now." Some of the sudden anger leaves him. "Especially…"

"Fresh out of hell?" Sam's lips twist in an imitation of a smile that's gone in a heartbeat, leaving only the terrible blankness that's so prevalent now. Sam's quiet when he speaks. "You never should have found me. He wasn't supposed to tell you-"

"Bullshit! You think it was easy trying to live the all American happy family life knowing that you were…were there? That what happened to me in the Pit was nothing compared to what you were going through- would go through for the rest of existence?" Dean's teeth are clenched against warring emotions. Sam had backed himself against the wall, having never once looked up. "You think I could ever be happy in a life without you?"

Dean's more gentle now, approaching Sam as the younger tries to step back even more, but ends up sinking down the wall to the ground, thin shoulders hunched and trembling.

"Sammy…" Dean's crouched in front of his brother, his hell-scarred, half-insane, powerful little brother who he'd die for, give the world for, over and over; he knows that now. "Sam, this life…it's not the best but…we're here, we're together." He offers a small smile. "Isn't this kinda the best we could hope for?"

Dean sees Sam's eyes flick back and forth, like he's deciding something, sees his brother take a long shaky breath before hazel eyes meet his own and his heart stops a moment.

"Sammy…"

Tears run down Sam's face. He bites his lip and laughs and breathes and tries not to die when he finally looks to Dean.

"I'm sorry…" he breathes. "For everything. For dad, and mom, and Lucifer, and our lives. The life you've had because of me." Dean tries to stop him, tell him 'no, _NO_, but Sam keep on. "The life you deserve…you should be safe, happy, not-" he gestures to the blood strewn all around them. "…not this. Hunted, hurt, saddled with all the weight of the world again." Dean knows something horrifically wrong is about to happen, can feel it in his bones. Something is going down here and Sam- Sam's…

"I can't…I won't let you suffer anymore for me, for the world." Sam brings his hands up to the sides of Dean's face.

He's smiling and tears still fall fresh. He's determined and Dean has time to think, 'Sam-no! Whatever you're gonna…just _no_!' But he can't move, can't do a damn thing and _fuck_ this is bad. Sam's never used his powers on him before, never even when it would have made things easier. Even jokes about it brought about silences from Sam that lasted for days. The kicked-ashamed puppy expression hung around even longer…

But now…

'_God, Sammy-no…'_

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…" And Dean wishes he could erase that word from his sibling's memory…there's a lot he wishes he could make Sam forget. Sam bites his lip bloody, looks like he's holding back a scream, but he smiles at Dean. "But I'd rather have you alive away from me than dead in my arms."

Hazel eyes close for a moment and Sam takes a deep breath before looking at Dean again.

"Dean…go home. You deserve every happiness our lives denied you. Every- every moment that was stolen. The home, the family-" and Dean can still find enough purchase in his mind to scream, _'you're my family you idiot! Only you, only ever you!'_

"Go home…" The look on Sam's face is crushing, like he's broken soul-deep. "Dean, go home…and never look for me again…forget that I exist. Forget you ever had a little brother." Sam's voice cracks, gives that watery smile again. He runs his fingers down the side of Dean's face, taking in every detail, memorizing. "This is all I can do for you, big brother." Sam presses his forehead to Dean's, whispers, "Be happy Dean."

Sam lets go, watches from his place on the floor as Dean gets up and walks out of the room and back to a life he'd abandoned even before finding Sam.

Dean walks away like he'd never been there.

Sam tilts his head back against the wall and lets himself cry, grieve for choices made and lives rearranged.

Red blossoms further around the shaking figure and no one moves to stop it.


End file.
